Nine years ago I wrote a satirical piece mocking a certain "letter". The Sun News Network was a Canadian right-wing television channel of limited means and a short lifespan. Watching it was to witness grand witlessness; hosts, columnists, and newsreaders who were so focused on their own angry view that they failed to realize, and admit, that their audience was too small to support them. Matters got really bad for SNN when the ratings came in, and got worse. Some 'shows' were getting barely ten thousand viewers, with the average count running at about five thousand... no doubt more than a few viewers were like me: there for the laughs.
Below, my schadenfreude kicked in and inspired me.
(Sun News Network: 2011 - 2015)
A copy of the Sun News letter sent to their loving viewers, regarding the network's request to the CRTC for a new licence, made its way into my hands. After reading it over, I simply could not resist making a mockery of its desperate pleas.
What struck me while keying-in the text from the letter was at how low a reading level in which it was written. Do they think their feverishly faithful are one step above being functionally illiterate? May be....
Sun News is in trouble and we need your help! (Well, there's not much I can do for you. You have to want to help yourselves.)
In this envelope is a very important set of materials. (Oh, wonderful! Crayons; McDonald's gift certificates; a dictionary; Lorazepam...) We need you to write to the CRTC and speak up for Sun News. (Hear ye, hear ye. I speak for the plebs who can't write above a grade-3 level... ) We've included a postage paid envelope as well as some additional background on our formal application to help you craft your letter to them. (Craft? I'll say this much: In your case, "craft" will be nothing less than critical.)
Our enemies (Enemies?... Are those "commies" still giving you guys a hard time? Hey? Reminding you that you use words incorrectly all the time? "What's a nown?") are trying to stop us from getting a new broadcast license. (Ahh... you mean "licence". This is Canada, the Great, as you keep reminding your dim-witted followers. You are employing the word as a noun, therefore; ah, just refer to the dictionary included in the package that you sent us.) Just like when Sun News launched (on a Saturn V, we hope), the left-wing propaganda machine is in overdrive spewing out attacks ("spewing out attacks"? "Spewing" won't produce effective aim; sounds pretty harmless), raising cash and doing everything in its power to shut us down. (What, like making people change the channel or underhandedly convincing them to not demand the channel? Yeah, they've been excelling at that, ain't they? They must be raisin' cash for something else. You keep an eye on those sneaky "Lieberal" bastards. I know; they're buyin' books with that money! "Scumbags!!!")
We can't let them get away with it. (No. We can't..... Get away with what?) We need your support. (Nah, it'll take more than anything I can give to support your creaky organization. Hey, I know a guy who does demolitions....) We need you to take action. (... I'll call him and give him your number.)
Why do we need this new license? (Because there's an "s" in this one, instead of a "c"? That rascally "verb". They deliberately misplace themselves to make you look bad; if I were you, I'd be really mad.) Because right now we're getting the shaft. (No comment.) Many local cable providers are refusing to offer Sun News! (Offer what to Sun News? A sacrifice? Oh, I get it now -- you mean, as a sacrifice.) In fact, we're only allowed in 4 out of 10 households. (Is that anything like "four out of ten"? Introducing a new virus is something that should be done slowly at first, so the public can build up an immunity. Hey, it's working.) It probably won't surprise you to learn that CBC News Channel and CTV News Network are available almost everywhere (as long as those clowns aren't in my shower again; I want them on my television) -- same for America's CNN (sounds to me as though they intimidate you). But it gets worse (Don Adams-like voice: "It gets worse?!"): in some cases, it's easier to get Al Jazeera than Sun News! (That is outrageous! I'm sure you'd agree it's easier to get "the clap" than "Sun News!".)
We are asking the CRTC to offer Sun News exactly what they mandated for CTV News Channel and CBC News Network when they launched. (What, toilet paper for the lavatories?) Nothing more, nothing less. (What the average viewer expects: journalistic integrity -- nothing more, nothing less.)
You know what Sun News stands for. (I sure do: incompetence; emotional unwrapping; dishonesty; less-than-rudimentary thinking. "Yeah, but what other ways?") You know how important it is for our great country that we succeed and continue to spread the truth (that you're really not worthy of this "great country"?).
Without your voice being heard by the CRTC, the playing field will be left to the next CBC, Toronto Star or Canadian Press hit piece on Sun News. (Oh, right. Yeah, they keep coming for you, don't they? "Is there like a suppository somewhere?" Wait a minute, don't you guys always do hit pieces on the CBC? Well, fair is fair, my brainless buddies.) We all know the left has powerful friends in the media. Don't let them get away with it! (Get away with what?... Not offering napkins with the Value Meal? Yeah, the "Left" -- that certifiable proper noun -- is known for doing that. I'm convinced they want to see you drip catsup down your t-shirt.)
The CRTC is very specific as to how to write your letter (because someone there knows how to write, and certainly above a grade-3 reading level), so we've included a checklist for you to follow. (* 2-litre bottle of pop, check; * large bag of potato chips, check; * new batteries for the TV remote, checkaroo.) Please, pick up a pen and paper and write to the CRTC today! (I will!... After I watch the CBC News! Post Script: Sorry, I must have forgotten to send off that letter. It's not as though someone would have any reason to think about you. Besides, my cat needed his litter box cleaned. By the way, I think you meant to say, "... write to the CRTC, today!". That would make more sense; even if "sense" is not one of your strong points.)
Yours in freedom, (Sorry, I take my Freedom with a capital "F"!)
The Sun News Team (You'd think a whole team would be able to come up with something better than the above. "Because at Sun News, 2 + 2 = 0.")